Retroactive Jealousy

Retroactive Jealousy: The FAQs 

Retro -

Origin:  Latin,  representing retrō, meaning backward, back, behind. 

Active -

being in a state of existence, progress, or motion

Jealousy-

feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages.

What is Retroactive Jealousy (RJ)?

Quite simply Retroactive Jealousy or RJ, as it is commonly referred to by many, is the resentment, anger and bitterness that is rooted in the actions, behaviour and thoughts stemming from past events. Although RJ can manifest itself in various types of relationships (between siblings, friends etc), it is most commonly found within romantic relationships, whereby one partner is jealous of the previous relationship(s) of the other partner.

Who suffers from RJ?

It is not age, gender or time specific and can affect anyone. From those in the throes of first love as well as couples who have been married for over thirty years. I personally, am a female in my mid twenties and encountered this problem in my second serious relationship. I have heard of men who have harboured RJ related feelings and insecurities towards their wives of 20 plus years  as well as young men and women who have had RJ affect them after their relationship had ended. The feelings of insecurity associated with RJ can strike at anytime to anyone of us in a loving relationship. 

What causes RJ

This will be looked at in far greater detail in other posts, as its simply too great a topic to summarize into a single paragraph. However, in my research I have found that there are many triggers that cause RJ to manifest itself within a person from details about partners ex's, certain visual triggers (such as a film, tv show, image) a particular song and even a certain perfume or smell. However, the reason why some people suffer from RJ whilst others appear not to is due to the fact that RJ is essentially a form of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Like most psychiatric disorders OCD may have genetic and/or environmental precursors, so it is likely that RJ is either due to our genetic make up or caused by how we were raised and the experiences we had during our development. 

Why are you writing about RJ?

Quite simply because I used to suffer from RJ. 

Before entering my second serious relationship, I didn't so much as have a jealous thought about the past, or previous partners. However, when I was 22 I started a relationship with a man who  had a modest past. For some unknown reason, I was consumed with insecurities involving just one of his previous relationships. I was constantly curious to know more about this particular ex and their relationship and I would question him for hours about her and their life together. I would use these details to construct a mini-film that would run through in my head for hours at a time. I would analyse every little bit of detail that I could to find out in to make inferences about their life together, and even though I had never met this woman or even knew my partner when he was with her, I felt like I knew their relationship inside out. 

Running this film in my head caused so much suffering. I would compare my relationship with my constructed version of their relationship and unsurprisingly, determine that my relationship with him was not as great. I would compare myself to his ex and again, I would come out as the loser. I was eaten up by insecurities, and bitterness and a sense of loss. 

I put up with this for over two years until I couldn't take it any longer. My life was becoming about the life and relationship that my partner had ended almost a decade ago. The woman was no longer in the picture and my partner rarely mentioned her, if ever. It was time I stopped suffering and started to enjoy my life. I read everything about this topic that I could find (which was not much!) and began to put into practice techniques that I learnt. Also finding out about the triggers and causes of RJ, helped me realise that it wasn't my fault and that it was due to a form of OCD. There is so little help for sufferers, even though from online forums it is clear that RJ is becoming a more prevalent problem and that many of us do experience it at one point or another. With this in mind, I decided to start a blog to chart my own journey, to share what I have discovered along the way and hopefully help those who are still experience the adverse effects of retroactive jealousy.