How To Get Over HER Past

Part One: Deal with Her Past- Guide for Men. 

In the first of a two part post, I will be looking retrograde jealousy from the two gender perspectives, as each of the sexes will experience RJ in different ways to one another. Also, the thoughts and triggers of RJ in males and females are different, and by knowing how they come into play we can gain a better understanding of RJ and find ways to deal with it.

What Is It About Her Past?

Although RJ affects both males and females, I have found that men to be the most affected by it. I don't mean to trivialise the effects of RJ in women, far from it. I, personally suffered a lot during my battle with RJ but, from speaking to many RJ suffers it seems that most are male, and they almost exclusively focus on the sexual aspect of their gf/wives past whereas the female suffers tend to focus more on high-commitment relationships that their partners have had with other women. So why does each gender focus on different aspects of their partners past relationships?

Evolution

Since the dawn of time, there has been an imbalance of sexual power. Men had to attract the attention of females, and females tended to have the pick of many males. This has always been the general rule; men show off and attract, females then pick the best man to mate with. The reason for this is simple, women get to choose as they bear the full responsibility of pregnancy and most of the burden of child rearing. As they invest so heavily in their offspring (whereas men only offer their genetic material and provide food) women have to make sure they don't waste their time, resources and health by mating with the wrong man. He has to have good genetics, that he is able to pass on to her offspring and be a consistent and committed provider of food and other resources.

On the flip side, although men do not have to invest as much in the pregnancy and childrearing, they have no way of knowing for sure that the woman he has mated with is carrying his offspring. She could just as easily have mated with another male, and be carrying his genetic material. If this is the case, the first man would waste his time and resources providing for a child that is not his own. Remember, only the maternity of a child is guaranteed as there is physical proof of the mother's identity during the pregnancy. Paternity is a lot more flexible.

And its for this very reason that RJ hits men from a sexual standpoint.

Too Many Sexual Partners for a Woman = RJ in Men. 

As explained above, men can easily end up providing for offspring that is not his, and its this evolutionary hard-wiring that causes modern day anxiety in men in the form of RJ. Men focus on the number of sexual partners, and tend to feel more threatened by casual sex, more so than if their partners had sex with one man within a loving, committed relationship. This is because it suggests to the man that if his gf/wife is able to indiscriminately have sex with random men, then there is a chance that any offspring that she produces have a chance of being some other man's.

You may be thinking that you have no intention of having children anytime soon wit your gf, but that does not matter, we are wired to use past behaviour to predict future behaviour. You may not actively want to have children with your partner but that stress and anxiety about their past will still play out. Couple this to the fact that RJ is a form of OCD (as discussed here) and you a lot of negative feelings that affect your day to day life.

So What Can be Done?

1. ACCEPT. 

First of all, accept that your gf/wife lives in 2011. This is not the same as living in caves before language and basic tools. We have evolved so much since then; we are able to speak and comunicate, empathise and understand. Our brains have increased in size and complexity. We have developed various cultures, customs and norms. In the Western World, one of these norms is sexual freedom. People can express themselves sexually however they please, both men and women have the right to enjoy sexual relationships with one another without these unions resulting in offspring. To aid this, we have even invented contraception. Sex is no longer for reproductive purposes alone, it can now be for pleasure and to express love in a physical way.

2. Its Not Her, Its Your Reaction. 

Your wife/gf had just as much right to engage in sexual activity (whilst she was single or with another bf) as anyone else and this should not be thought of as anything 'bad'. It should not affect you to the degree it does, and the only reason that it does is because RJ is a form of OCD. Even men who don't suffer from RJ may momentarily wish his gf/wife had not had many partners, but they are able to not dwell on this and focus on the relationship they have with their partner in the present. RJ suffers will take these thoughts and make them intrusive, or rather their mind does. This in turn causes the suffer to react in a specific way; with anger or bitterness, and this is when RJ starts to control their life.

Learning to react to these feelings in a different way is a good first step into combating RJ. Decide that your partner did not do anything wrong, then decide that when you start to feel intrusive thoughts you will stop and say 'she did nothing wrong, I will not feel negatively about her past actions'. Each time you start to feel the grips of RJ, repeat this to yourself.

3. Try to Keep Your Mind Occupied. 

To much time on my hands resulted in my obsession with my partner's past. Make sure the same does not happen to you by occupying your mind. Read something new, learn a skill or a language, get stuck into work or try to meditate. All of this works in easing the affects of RJ, in the short term. Longer term fixes require months of work and self development and these will be looked at in a post in the near future.

Finally

In this post, I looked at ways in which RJ affects men specifically and considered some quick-fixes to the problem. In the next post, I will look at RJ from the female perspective and will identify the key differences between how RJ affects men and women.