How To Get over HIS Past

In the last post, I described ways in which a man suffering with RJ can come to terms with his partners past. The first step to overcoming any problem is to understand it; facing an array of conflicting emotions such as bitterness, anger, jealousy and sadness over events that you have not experienced as in the case of RJ, can be very overwhelming and confusing to most of us dealing with RJ. Understanding why RJ occurs will enable the sufferer to accept that its not their fault, and that this is merely a distorted way of processing information.

Why Does His Past Bother You So Much?


In the last post, I explained why the sexual past of a woman might induce feelings of RJ in her current male partner (read that here). In this article, I will look at why women suffer from RJ and how certain methods can be employed in order to deal with the consequences.

Women suffer from RJ in a completely different way to men. That isn't to say that its not as important or not as difficult to deal with, but simply that the techniques used for male RJ may not always work for female RJ. When a woman suffers from RJ, she almost always focuses on one or maybe two of her partners exes. Most of the time, the quantity of the sexual partners of her bf/husband does not matter, yet the quality of one relationship will be the crux of the RJ problem. So why does this fundamental difference exist?

Evolution 


I explained in my last post about the cost of childrearing; women invest heavily in rearing offspring in that they are responsible for carrying a pregnancy to term and in raising the child until it is old enough to take care of itself. This process can last well over ten years for humans (longer now in the modern times) and is costly to the mother in terms of her health (pregnancy being a dangerous endeavour) and time (she can only gestate one man's offspring at a time, preventing her from reproducing with other males and propagating her genes further).

Conversely, men donate their DNA via sperm and may provide food and other resources to the mother and child, but do little else leaving them with the time and energy to produce more offspring and carry ont their bloodline with other females. Although this may sound like the 'better deal', it has it downfall in that the paternity of a child is never a guarantee. A man can never be sure that the child he is rearing is his own, unlike a mother can.

Because of the different levels of investment for males and females, their are wired to perceive different traits as being important in a relationship. Men are hardwired to want a less promiscuous female, as that is an indicator that a woman is less likely to end up carrying another man's child, which he would then have to provide for. Women will value the level of commitment in a man, as it shows that he will be the best provider to her and their offspring. These two fundamental differences is the cause of the varying ways in which the two genders experience RJ.

Women And RJ

So now we have the background to what men, and women are hardwired to look for in potential mates, we can go onto the consider why women feel threatened by women in their boyfriend's past who had a significant role.

As discussed above, its all about the man and his ability to provide. The fact that he has 'provided' for an ex, suggests that he is willing to give out his resources. However, although this is a good sign of a provider, it also translates into him potentially sharing his resources with other females. If by chance your boyfriend showered his ex with gifts, but didn't so much as give you a card for your birthday, then this will translate as him being more of a provider to her, than he is to you.

Women Are More Complex


However, its not as simple as that, especially not in this day and age where we have evolved well past the point of running on our base instincts. The biggest change, for both sexes, is the development of an emotional response. Women, more so than men, are very emotional creatures (yes, this is a very generalised view point, but hold true to an extent). The very fact that their boyfriend has shared a deep emotional bond with another woman, can be quite upsetting to some women. For me at least, this was the biggest driving force of my own RJ. The thought that my partner, the man I shared a deep connection, bond and for whom I had a lot of feelings, once shared a similar bond with another woman made me feel physically ill. It seemed as if that him having had such a connection with another somehow lessened the one I had with him. Add to this the made up events that I pictured in my mind, and the number of times the movie of said events played in my head per day, and I can tell you that my life was a living hell.

A Diet of Fairytales


What is your favourite fairytale? Mine was, and still is, Snow White. Regardless of which of the classics you picked, there is always one theme that flows through the all; the idea of a happily ever after with Prince Charming. Never in the fairytales are there ex's; women who have taken Prince Charming's heart before the princess, or the female lead. She is the 'first' the one that truly captures his heart. Is it any wonder then, that growing up on such stories, it feels just a little disappointing that in the real world, you don't get your fairytale ending?

So, in this article I have looked at RJ from the point of view of women. Due to the differences between men and women (and there IS a diference, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!), each gender deals with the same issue, and experiences RJ in slightly different ways. Here, I have highlighted the possible reasons as to what causes these feelings, from an evolutionary prospective as well as that of cultural influences.